Love and the Difference Between Approval and Acceptance

The leadership virtue of love requires “actions of service and generosity to another, even when it requires one to be self-sacrificing.” This often requires continuously setting aside our personal preferences, prejudices, and perspectives to avoid judgments that are not productive or obstruct progress. We lead in a world that has learned that there can be significant self-serving benefits in confusing and conflating approval and acceptance.

What is the difference between approval and acceptance and why does it matter to a leader?

Approval involves rendering a verdict - something is deemed "good" or "right." In relationships, it requires ongoing action that is conditional and transactional. Approval continues to be granted as long as ethical, cultural, or psychological standards are met. It’s selective and discriminating. Approval is a means of rewarding alignment with norms. It’s a tool for reinforcement and places the approver in a position of authority, shaping others’ actions through validation or rejection.

Acceptance refrains from judgment, focusing on enabling a relationship. It is neutral and avoids engaging with rightness or wrongness. Acceptance is broader and often unconditional. It includes risks if it ignores harm or wrongdoing. Acceptance fosters inclusion but may undermine trust and accountability if it turns a blind eye to unethical acts. Acceptance equalizes, reducing hierarchical judgment, but might weaken the leverage needed to correct wrongs.

Approval is a lever that is useful in judging and guiding behavior while acceptance is an anchor, preserving individual worth amid social and cultural complexity. The difference lies in approval’s active engagement versus acceptance’s relational openness, each having a different weight and impact. Approval and acceptance also require the leadership virtues of integrity and truth. Especially when it is difficult or unpopular, a leader has the responsibility to continually seek and evaluate facts to distinguish and stand up for what is fundamentally right.

Approval and Acceptance in Team Dynamics

In “Boys in the Boat, by Daniel James Brown” it was a pivotal moment when George Pocock invited Joe Rantz upstairs to see the boat-building process. It started the transformation in Joe where he began to feel accepted in the fabric of the crew. In the social reality of America in the 1930’s, Joe was too poor and too rough to gain the approval of people with money and status. Once he was accepted for what he could bring to the team, it opened a lifetime as part of a group of unique individuals bonded by extraordinary achievement.

Our challenge as leaders is to create an environment where people feel welcome and accepted even though they may not have earned approval as we define it. If our actions are grounded in love we are open to continuously tracking the progress of the team and receiving the necessary feedback on the group dynamics of acceptance. Sometimes the most effective response requires leadership by example. Other times it is as subtle as what is not said or the willingness to contradict a common point of view. Details matter, especially during the formation and development of a team.

Properly understood and utilized, discerning and clarifying the difference between approval and acceptance enables new, different, and often life-changing relationships.

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Sheldon is the Chairman of the Board at the Severn Leadership Group and has been a mentor since 2022. His career was primarily in corporate supply chain leadership and related consulting. Sheldon has a BS in Finance from Lehigh University and an MBA in International Business from Emory University.

He and his wife Janet, after a lifetime of corporate moves, live in Fort Myers and thrive on service, traveling and the joy of nine grandchildren.

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